HeLiUm BoNg 1


Thanks for your time & effort in picking up this piece of opinionated son of Xerox. (Or photocopied piece of poo, if yer slightly on the "What the f**k?" side) After a summer of doing jack all apart from spending money on gigs/albums/drugz/aLkEyHoL and saving a s**tload by only reading fanzines, I've decided to get off my arse and do something. After wiping up, I decided to make a fanzine.

But seriously folks, Here's my first (possibly LAST) attempt at heliumbong. Should everything halfway decent be wiped out by an apocalyptic catastrophe or someone flushing a condom down the toilet which would block up the sewage system, thus flooding major cities etc., this could quite possibly be the greatest thing on earth, apart from Caffeine and other well known synthetic stimulants.

Sorry if this issue seems a bit shite (Probably because it is) I'll make a better attempt next time. Promise. Anyway, during the past few weeks, I've started using the DART coz my girlfriend (She's better than a whole box of Jelly Tots) lives in Bray. (It's an arse living in Sandyford. Having to leg it a cross a muddy field finding a bus stop & being threatened by knackers armed with a rubber band and being told to...

"Giv us all yar muney, ar yill ge' dis. Roi?"
"Christ. I could do more damage with my cock!"
"Wha? Yew laffin' a' us?"

Enter 8ft 'brothers'
*high pitched voice* "no. sorry. here. have my bus fare."

...and then getting a DART. F*x sake.) Anyway... it's a s**tload more interesting on the DART than it is on the bus. People are alot more friendly and less likely to stuff a syringe filled with ominous bodily fluids up you. Or anything else, come to think of it. *shudder* Loads of cool people start talking to ya for no reason at all. Class. Last Saturday some guy from America, a skater type bloke starts talking to me. Pretty decent bloke. Had a dollar stuck to his board. Off to Shankill to meet some girl he met the other night... His some was Don or Dar. Don't remember. Now, people like that talking to ya is grand, but when old people start telling you that...

"In my day, we didn't have snazzy trains like this. People of your age should be grateful. *GAK* My Heart! AGGGHHHHHHH! *thump*"

*Manical laughter followed by sound of trying to stuff corpse through window*

...ya really want to boot them up the fake teeth. Well I do anyway. Well if ya see me (Bloke with dark hair, ponytail to shoulders, Leather Jacket, Combats & Dox) on the DART or the 44/44C or even hanging around Temple Bar as I did alot over the summer, just wiggle your fingers and say "Hello Bloke", and maybe, *just* maybe I'll wiggle my fingers back.

If yer not bored enough, I'll just mention a few names and give a little wiggle of the fingers to: My little sex puppet - Alison, Intellectual B**tard - Glenn, Short haired freak - Donal, Blue Haired freak - Pierce, Yar Ded - Matthew, Girlie with no hair -Dan, Other girlie with no hair - Kate, Rampant Bulls**tter - Colin, Oi 4 skinz, oi 4 punx, oi oi oi! - Danny, Sorry for not ringing ya in a while! -Eoghan, Bearded Lady - Abey, Gis yar lunch - Shane, Yet another American -Anne & loadsa ppl who I've left out. Don't kick me in. I'm just forgetful...

I'll see ya so. -Oly

Anyway, if ya wanna see something here, or want to complain about the over use of the word 'Anyway' or if you just wanna be my fwend, then send pigs hearts entwined with barbed wire, burning newspaper with shite inside it and letter bombs (Just send us a fucking letter will ya, yis lazy cunts!) to:

Rock Lawn, Leopardstown Road, Sandyford, Co.Dublin.