At the end of the summer, I had to go on a school exchange to Hamburg. This had to be on of the funniest experiences of my life to date. First of all though, the family I had to stay with were a big pile of steaming wank. The mother had a set curfew of 9pm which I broke every single f*kin day. I mean.. 9pm. 6 year olds are still out mugging people in Sheriff St. at that time, and she expects me to be home? *tsk* My exchange partner was a rampant screaming practising homosexual. The scary part happened was when he told me that he wanted to listen to me wank, he liked to watch me undress through the window and I had nice underwear. I mean, if I said that to a girl, I'd expect a good slap and wonder why I wanted to listen to her wank, but if I smacked him then I'm a fascist... So I came up with the idea of completely ignoring him. It didn't work.

Anyway. In Germany, the legal drinking age is 16, so the whole class went on the piss every single night. It was great craic to see everyone stagger, hugging each other, hearing the occasional "Yar my *hic* beshtesht friend...." *cue sudden thrusting of head and vomitting* We managed to get thrown out of three out of four pubs.

  1. The first one was the Riechoff which was pretty cool, had sofas instead of stools and all. I managed to break the edge of the sofa, and someone puked all over the table, and smashing two pints in the process of people trying to escape. Managed a whole three nights there before getting kicked out.
  2. The second was the Caspari which we got thrown out for being too noisey and not paying. (Stupid cunts. Over in Germany, you pay for your drinks when you leave. So we all just pegged it).
  3. The third was the Don Quichotte (Pronounced Donkey Shot) That was great craic. We managed to get thrown out when someone took a piss on the floor in two successive nights. Bit of an arse though, coz they were kind enough to give us a whole floor to ourselves. Ah well.

  4. The fourth pub, The Consortium, which was the only one that would take us ended up with most of us leaving. We only found out on the last night, after spending two weeks there, when someone just stood up and uttered the immortal words... "F**k! Look in the corner!" and sure enough, there's two blokes getting off. Some of us ran in disgust, some of us thought it was a once off until they saw different blokes holding hands and then there was people like me who couldn't give a f**k and really couldn't understand what the whole problem was.

I had to do work experience there too. I worked in the Hotel Lindtner which was basically the f**king Ritz. This consisted of being a fekin house keeping bloke. This consisted of polishing, hoovering and worst of all, putting wank tissues into toilets and then scrubbing the bowl. The Penthouse was great though. Walk in and the aroma of sex grabs you by the hair and rapes you up the nostrils. Stale sweat on the sheets and a rubber kindly wrapped in tissue in the bin kinda gave you the feeling of being a cleaning lady on a porn set. They didn't pay me. What I got in return for three weeks was a little book with their prices. Wow.

If ya do go to Hamburg, make sure you go to the Reeperbahn - The Red Light District. Loadsa funny stuff happened there... Like when two blokes came back in a daze, telling us that two complete rides chatted them up, and they were going to meet them later. No matter how hard we tried to convince them that they were pros, they just wouldn't listen... Or when Abey went in and got a porno for a bloke's birthday present, and then Brien (Fat prick woman beating lard retaining arsehole) who's the oldest in the class but has the highest pitched voice you're ever going to hear comfortably before it goes ultra sonic, tried his luck on a magazine and came out shocked wondering why he didn't get served. *ultra high voice* "I mean, I'm the f*kin oldest outta the lot of ye!" Stupid cunt.

The last slightly humorous thing that happened was when a prick from my class got sent back to Germany . What he tried to do was pluck up enough courage to ask some girl out from the other class... Getting himself drunk and attempting to get her drunk too... Drunken slobberings of: "Catherine! Yer.. Yer... sho beauti- *hic* -ful..." & "I.. Luve Yew" infected the soundwaves of an otherwise normal drunkard (Our term for a pissup, not a alcoholic). Later, he went up to me and another bloke from my class and asked how he got on... We told him he was grand, and told him to buy her a few roses. (Kodak Moment, I can tell ya) It was then she told him kindly to "f**k off!". By now he's severely depressed, collapses from the six beers, two Pernods and two roses he bought. It would have ended there, but it was 5 mins. before his last bus home... so we got him conscious enough to tell us which bus he took & we chucked him on it. We found out later that he conked out on the bus, was around 10 miles or so off his stop when he woke up and had to be brought home in a meat wagon... Next plane home for him!

If you are going to go on an exchange... go! You get to know all the other ppl in your class a s**tload better over a beer than over a desk, and it's worth going just to see ppl making an arse of themselves and reciting O-f*kin-asis into puddles of vomit. Great craic altogether. Just don't mix with the locals. They have uses for otherwise virgin orifices. So I've been told. *ahem* Anyway...