HeliumBong#5

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Go Freaks GO!

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that in GFG, there was THE most ridiculous, pompous, ignorant & (unintentionally) fuckin hilarious little article I've ever read in my life. Wrote by Andrew Bushe of Sonic Birth fame, the article goes on to tell all of us that drinking and drugs are for 'boring' people. Now I can honestly say that I've never met a drunk boring person. They'd be at the most, annoying, but never boring.

Boring people sit at home and stare at walls trying to make out images of faces in the little wood chips. Boring people are the ones who give a nervous smile & start sweating when you strike up a conversation. Boring people talk slowly... in... a... monotone... voice... about... Star... Trek...

Not only that, but he also has a little game for us to play. Take it away Andrew!

"Here's the test, go and find two of your friends, one a druggy, one straight edge, and ask them what they've done this year"

Righto. I conducted my own little survey with those rules. I took Donal, my cousin and one of the few blokes I know who can chug a quarter bottle of whiskey for the past few years and only getting sick once, and I took Chris, a bloke I know with long hair and who doesn't drink, or do drugs. Their responses included:

Donal: "I got my nipple pierced on Saturday. I've quit work so I could study for my GCSEs, I go out most weekends with my mates & I went on holiday to France over the summer."
Chris: "I've been to three cons (Note- Cons are Role Playing Game Conventions) & three pub quizzes (No, I didn't drink anything). I go out every other Friday & last summer was a blur. A sober blur, but a blur."

Bit of a shit survey, but hey! I was curious. Anyway... Andrew's version of what *should* have been said is:

Donal: "I have had a great time over the past year on all of those destructive drugs & countless cans of alcohol that kill oh so many of my brain cells."
Chris: "I've had a great time over the past year, what with running a very popular fanzine and fronting an internationally known band. I've also been picking up an awful lot of information; aided, of course by the fact that I don't drink. I also like talking to people"

Do the profiles match? Nope. Chris doesn't need to drink. He's weird and hyper enough as it is already, and Donal received an A in higher maths in his GCSEs. I wonder what happened to all of those dead brain cells.

Poor wee Andrew also tells us of the desperate measure's he'll take should he contract cancer through passive smoking. "I will take alot of you fuckers down with me - no, really. Picture it..... You're all in THE ATTIC listening to BAMBI and I stroll in casually and start shooting all the people with cigarettes in their hands" Fuck killing Brain Cells... let's kill the smokers!"

I don't smoke, for the plain reason that I couldn't be fucked shelling out so much money that I could spend on drink or photocopying for something I'll become physically addicted to, and not because I'm on the same search for knowledge that Andrew is. I don't see drink as a life waster, more of a life enhancer. It makes you alot more sociable, taken in decent amounts. I mean, chugging 10 cans in 5 mins. is fucking stupid, but getting nicely pissed, having a few laughs and chatting up 5 girls at the same time (Another Flashback from Germany) can't be bad. Ever notice that really shite jokes seem fucking hilarious after a few pints? And how about that really dodgy fat one you got off with who reminded you of that Brazilian footballer. After a few pints, she's suddenly Cindy Crawford. HOW? She still looks the same, but has a certain "I AM A RIDE" quality wafting from her bushy armpits. Alcohol. Fuckin weird stuff. As the great Andrew Bushe once said "I think I'm losing my point". He most certainly did.