hELiUM bONg 5
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WHA' AIR YEW LEWKIN' A'?
Has a scumbag ever escorted you down a road before pulling out a threatening looking pebble & demanding you hand over all of your "notes"? Has a dodgy looking knacker donning a shell suit & a skanda jacket ever offered you some crudely disguised paracetamol tablets with a shaky "E" carved in by a used match? Well, greet your newfound innercity pals. Their uniform consists of a slither of arse fluff dwelling above their top lip, a baseball cap to hide the awful DIY haircut their 'Ma' gave them, a new pair of Air Max that they 'found' on some poor Spanish student, a constant phlegm problem which they solve by expelling it onto the ground, a pregnant girlfriend who hangs around Funderland 24hrs a day - and who he always fights with & a smouldering cigarette always seems to be superglued to his thumb & forefinger. Anyway I have one question for them... WHERE THE F**K DO THEY GET ALL OF THOSE TOBLERONES???

MOP

For the past couple of weeks Oly has contemplated getting his hair cut, but not knowing what to get done to it. Y'see, our good friend prides himself in being different and original (Which he's not!), and no matter what you do nowadays, someone's done it already. There's the old favourite, the skinhead, it's absolutely no hassle, but it has a couple of drawbacks;

1: It's far from original
2: Everybody thinks you're a Nazi, or a "Mad hard lad"
3: Your head gets bloody cold in the Winter.
4: Once you have a skinhead there's f**k all you can do if you get pissed off with it after about two weeks.

Then there's the mowhawk, what everybody thinks of when you mention punk, even most little skangers know it as ,"De big spoiky yoke" but here again are the drawbacks;

1: Yet again, it's far from original.
2:It's a bollox to put up in the morning.
3: It can look brilliant quite easily, but one little f**k-up and the whole lot is screwed.
4: You're f**ked for getting a job, even if you're qualified in everything.

(But hey! That's fascism for ya! - Oly)

There's short and spiky, Shapes shaved everywhere, ladybirds and leopardskin spots, but originality? F**k that.

Dan

And so ends Helium Bong for another 4 weeks or so. Everything wrote by me (Oly) unless there's some other name there. ANYWAY, pick up a pen/pencil/bloody stump & WRITE TO ME! Let me know I'm not alone in this desolate wasteland that we call earth. Don't forget to stay PC, worship "certain" Gangly Nads writers, & most importantly send your old cottonbuds to other people for reuse. etc.