HeLiUm BoNg 3

THE MIRACLE OF MODERN APATHY HAS COME TO PASS

Are you an Anti - Fascist, Anarchist, Animal friendly kind of person who checks all of their personal possessions to make sure that everything is made by co-op workers and doesn't contain animal products or manufactured by totalitarian, capitalist slave drivers in Indonesia, Taiwan or Malaysia? Are you the type of person who can't bear the thought of knowing that the pitiful lives of the higher-class are kept in existence by the blood sweat and tears of animals and oppressed proletariat?

Has the truth dawned on you that no matter how hard you try personally, you can't change the world, no matter how hard you preach? Do you need a new answer, a new solution, a new example?

Think of the suit wearing parasites of society swimming in the filthy lucre that you donate every time you buy something. Teach them a lesson. The answer is staring you right in the face. That thick length of rope in the shed that you found in the bush, all of those tablets that keep building up every time you have a flu in winter, the carving knife gathering dust in the drawer beside the kettle. There are so many ways to leave this infested earth, so many ways to teach the companies that you'd rather DIE than fund their dirty weekends to Kerry and their cancer inducing mobile phones.

Think of the amount of paper you go through. Now think of the trees you could save if you could just pull that trigger. Maybe you can save the life of a few fish by not needing to use the toilet any more. A few hundred less turds a year *must* make a difference.

You will be forever remembered as Earth's Martyr. Songs will be sung about your heroic decision, T-shirts bearing your gaunt and pale face will be traded at gigs and 'independent' music stores stating "Save the Planet - Kill Yourself" as a backprint & a half/full page article will be dedicated to you in a good few fanzines/sheets whenever the editor can't think of anything else to write or finds a similar article on the net that they can rip off.

Why make yourself and other people in countless fields and factories suffer because of your material needs? When it seems like nothing you do can gain the attention of the capitalist carnivorous population, suicide is the greatest bargain any self respecting 'World Saver' could ask for. No more worrying about paying the rent, wondering if those crisps really are vegan & thinking of the insects you kill every time you put on your shoes and step outside for a walk.

No longer do you have to worry about funding corruption or violence. All you need is one accurate slash to end your corrupt life. Others WILL follow your example. The world WILL be saved. And hey! Remember to slice diagonally.


I've been receiving alot of negative feedback since I've started HeLiUm BonG, and if I were to pretend it doesn't bother me, I'd be lying. It's not the fact that people dislike HB's opinions, but the fact that they can't believe that I don't accept their own that upsets me. I don't deny that HB contains a great deal of hostile and even offensive opinions, but they *are* opinions nonetheless.

Call me "Fascist", label me "Ignorant", who knows? You're probably right! To insist that I restrain my own feelings & write only that which is prescribed by some movement or cause is pure totalitarianism! Dictatorship! Sheer STUPIDITY!

I'm not a propagandist for anyone's movement, & I never intend to be. I'm not a politician. I'm a teenager. I'm not trying to defend myself as a person, God knows I'm as fucked up as the next guy. All I am defending is freedom of expression. Would you deprive me of that right?

If I were to gear HB to your cause, or anyone elses cause, I would no longer be truthful to myself! I would become a liar! Is that what you want?

Next time you feel compelled to look down on me, remember: I hold different opinions from most of you because I am human. Opinions are what separates us from everything else. Opinions are what makes me me. If we were to all agree with you on everything, we wouldn't hold opinions. We'd just nod in unison at whatever you say and go about our boring lives. If that is your ideal of a perfect world, then you're no better then the fascist dictators you loathe so much.


STEREOTYPE OF THE MONTH AWARD

Everyone's seen them. They stick out like a priest in an orphanage. I, for one, loathe them. Ah yes... those funky sideburns, those crisp white combats (now that they're in fashion), that 80 Calvin Klein deodorant, the oh-so fashionable brogue the Brown Thomas' socks size-of-your-palm-belt-buckle that's wholly unneccesary and completely pathetic, the nicely polished brogues, the Brown Thomas' socks, the 30 Armani cacks with the top of them hanging *just* over the trousers so you can see the name, the tight V-Neck top on loan from one of their friends, the gold chain bearing a cross gracing their highly toned neck and the obligatory six-pack makes for what is known as the poseur.

You'll spot them in any of the fashionable bars with a bottle of Heineken with a slice of lemon on the neck, in 'Christopher' shopping for a G-string or in front of anything vaguely reflective; but where they really shine through the gristle and dirt that is known collectively as 'The Normal Blokes' is the beach.

While you're listening to your Walkman or reading a book, they'll be there, kit out in their 50 bermudas playing Volleyball or tossing their frisbee, while casually but obviously glimpsing over their shoulders now & again to see who's checking them out. Either that or they'll be just strolling along slowly with their hungry eyes hidden behind the safety of their 90 Ray-Bans, scanning anything that passes for a female as potential weekend-fodder.

Music taste? Oh please... Your average poseur will opt for the latest in Dance. Not the good stuff though. Nothing but the best for our little rich-kid, such as the latest 2 Unlimited single or whatever's popular that week will meet their high standards. As long as their friends in Blackrock College think that it's good then it's automatically a hit with them too without a second word.

They automatically dismiss anywhere that doesn't play any sort of Chart/Dance music as "A hole for Smelly Rockers" or "Some kip for those E-Heads", prefering to settle with their respective havens such as System, POD, Wesley, Bective, Judge Roy Beans or anywhere where 12 year old girls wearing bright blue dresses that reach the top of their thighs chat up the bouncers to get into. So poseurs, it's with great pleasure that I present you with the gold studded Calvin Klein fine tooth lice comb, also known as this month's:


SAVE A TREE, KILL A BEAVER

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