HeLiUm BoNg 3


I assume that you've read a good few fanzines/freesheets by now, mostly Gearhead Nation, Planet Fish, Sl@nted @nd Ench@nted or the fine waste of resources you're holding in your hands now, etc., but have you noticed how incredibly egotistic and self loving we fanzine editors/contributors can get? Look at all of the zines. They're basically just a collection of notes of what's happening in the author's life or opinions on what's happening around the world.We might as well have: "FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST LISTEN TO ME! I HAVE THE ANSWER! ME-ME-ME!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST WEEK?" ad infinitum. You always get the occasional youngster (Around my age) thinking they're the Socrates of the 90s. You know the type. They start off every issue reminding you how young they are, and how they can have mature beliefs on life that don't include Beavis & Butthead and how irritating their idiotic classmates can be when they arse about when they can be learning something. As seen in - Waste Of Space/Planet Fish

Then you get the pariahs of society in there, your average hermit who cowers away from modern society to live a life of purity, Hidden in a little enclave in which to solve everybody elses problems, they scribble them all down on a piece of paper and venture to the hideous commercial mecca that is town to photocopy it. As seen in - Possible Worlds There's also the completely egotistical type that can't bring out an issue that doesn't praise itself a few times before returning to the subject at hand should always get a mention too. As seen in - Sl@nted @nd Ench@nted

Finally, the type where the writer attempts to slag off everything they can think of in a vague effort to make themselves look better, frequently failing thus making an arse of themselves. As seen in - HeLiUm BonG We fanzine blokes/gals spend god knows how arse of themselves. As seen in - HeLiUm BonG We fanzine blokes/gals spend god knows how much money on telling everyone what we think of them & pray that one of you will pay enough attention to send in a letter of some sort. We really are a sad bunch when you think of it. I don't know why I do HB. I mean, at the end of the day, all I get at the end of the day is a huge dent in my pocket, criticism from nearly all other zine/sheets (Apart from ZooBrain & Sonic Birth, nice one!), having to hide my face whenever I hear "iS tHaT thE bLokE oFf HeLiUm BonG?" being muttered behind my back at a gig & loads of time spent (wasted?) glaring at the beauty that is Micro$oft Windoze™ when I could have been out having a laugh (Or playing Carmageddon). Maybe I've got nothing better to do, maybe it's because I want to get a few things off my chest, or maybe it's just because it's a laugh seeing other people's reactions when I desecrate another belief to which they hold dear. Fun - Fun - FUN!!!

The Idiots Guide To Bringing Out A Hated Freesheet

Walk to sofa in living room and stick hand down the side. You should find an ice-pop stick, a dirty Polo Mint and a few coins. Look at coins. Put coins in pocket. Head down to newsagent/supermarket. Walk to coffee shelf. Grab as much coffee as you can. Run out of newsagent/supermarket. Throw coins at people attempting to stop you. Aim for eyes or temple. Remember not to walk past newsagent/supermarket for next 6 months. Once home, eat coffee. Think of name for freesheet - Must consist of at least two words which must be completely unrelated. Eat more coffee. Go to bedroom. Grab out old collection of fanzines from behind the the HIFI. Look at the most popular fanzine. Slag it. Repeat. Pick up pen pen and write down on clean sheet of paper what you said about fanzine. Walk upstairs. Throw empty coffee jars at passers by. Chuckle to yourself. Walk back to bedroom.

Pick up newspaper used for birdcage or toilet trainers for pet dog. Look for article on people worse off than you. Slag them. Repeat. Write down, as with fanzine. (Note, for added effect, include names and addresses of fanzine writers.) Stick slags together on piece of paper, with name of freesheet you came up with earlier. Photocopy in Reads of Nassau St. Calmly walk to counter. Pay. Distribute in Borderline, Tower Records, Comet, The Payback & Freebird Records respectively as this is the shortest & most efficent route. Should you have enough time, leave a few copies in GOD, but not too many as people tend to just read the fanzines and not keep them. Catch bus home. Sleep. Dream of coffee. Wake up and answer mail. When replying, explain that you are not a fascist. Should letter writer state that your piece of work is not worth the amount of animals and workers it exploited, point out to said letter writer that they stimulate the genitalia of fluffy mammals with their big toe. Burn mail. Chew on coffee lid. Repeat procedure one month later.

Always remember!!!

1) There can *never* be too many swear words
2) Find out what really gets people worked up, then print it en masse every issue
3) It's YOUR freesheet, not the critics'! Put in whatever the hell you want!
4) Slag (Or attempt to slag) any fanzine who gives you a bad review
5) Apologise profusely to people you slagged after they give you a good review
6) Never get a girlfriend, as doing so will inevitably interupt your -*ahem*- 'creativity'
7) Get as many people to write for you as you can,, so you don't take all of the blame when your zine/sheet gets a bad name
8) Whoever invented deadlines was clearly not a fanzine writer
9) Give up a chunk of your social life to get it all finished