HeLiUm BoNg 3


Thanks for picking up hb3 - the freesheet that not many other sheets/zines/parents/Politically Correct activists like very much. Remember that Phreefone number I gave out last issue? Well I got a shitload of replies from it... Ranging from a bloke shoving the fone down his cax and blessing my eardrums with his graceful flatulence to some obsessed bloke asking me questions for about 10 mins. Are there any normal people out there? Anyway, to fill up space, I'll print his questions along with my answers.

Q) How come you took a page and a bit reviewing other fanzines?
A) Silly cunt. I didn't review any fanzines. With Planet Fish,

I just picked out the statement "Thanks to the system for giving us something to rebel against", which I pretty much disagreed with & with Coffee Shop Blues, I just said that they leeched my article, which wasn't very nice of them. With Planet Fish however, I kinda f**ked up. I said something like "The most he ever did..." when refering to anarchism. I didn't mean Snifty (The Author) in general, I meant most Anarchists. Anyway. Sorry Snifty!

Q) Will you give my name a mention?
A) No. You scary f**ker. People like you should be locked up. Actually people like you are locked up. You need help. Yr probably like one of those people who stalk really sad celebrities like Jeremy Beadle, hoping to obtain a lock of their pubic hair. You deserve a toilet roll dipped in petrol shoved up yr arse and lit with a bolt of lightning. Now fuck off.

That bloke went on for f**king ages, telling me what kind of life he's having at the moment, how it was an incredible coincidence that he picked up the freesheet. From then on, he's read hb religiously. After all of the incredibly interesting facts he gave me on photocopying (Seriously!), he then offered to meet up in town with me to "discuss stuff." *shudder* Well, um.. thanks for the offer and all that, but I don't find obsessed readers all that appealing. Christ, this bloke even told me that he carried the two issues around with him at all times, and would have a little peek on the bus or whenever he felt "lonely". I just hope to f**k that it was some bloke winding me up, but it did seem a little too realistic. If there's anyone normal out here (ie someone who doesn't think that hb is the successor to the Bible or Combat 18) who wants to get in touch with me, then ring 1800 265265, wait for the tone, press * then press 2857. Don't hangup after listening to my lovely message as a good few of you did. It f**ks up the system (There's something to do for all you anarchists out there - Hey man! F**K THE SYSTEM!) & clutters up all of my messages.